The Case for Doing (and Worrying) Less as a Parent

As a working parent, I’m constantly frazzled. I think of parenting as a 100,000-piece puzzle that you're trying to put together while also driving, making dinner, and keeping your kids from killing each other.

And these days, it can feel like the puzzle just keeps getting bigger. We're supposed to be constantly attentive to our children, responsive to their emotions, engaged in their education, and proactive about their development. We should feed them healthy meals, limit their screen time, nurture their friendships, teach them resilience, and make sure they get enough sleep. Oh, and we're also supposed to work, maintain our relationships, take care of ourselves, and occasionally find time to unload the dishwasher.

It's exhausting. And when we inevitably fall short of these expectations, we feel guilty.

But here's some good news: As a science journalist who has spent years researching parenting and child development, I've been surprised, if not flat-out shocked, by what the research suggests parents do—and how different that professional guidance is from what I had assumed it would be.

In fact, some of the things we feel most guilty about—being unavailable to our kids sometimes, allowing them to struggle, prioritizing our own needs—can actually be good for them.

So if you're a working parent who worries that you're not doing enough for your children, here's what I hope you'll keep in mind.

You don't have to do all the things

Over the past few decades, middle- and upper-class parents have been putting more and more time, money, and effort into raising their kids. Experts have referred to this trend in different ways, but one term that has stuck is "intensive parenting."

The idea is that good parents should be deeply involved in nearly every aspect of their children's lives. We should carefully curate their experiences, protect them from disappointment, and continually look for opportunities to help them get ahead.

There's nothing wrong with being a thoughtful, supportive, and conscientious parent. But there's a difference between focusing on the big picture and obsessing over the details.

In my book Hello, Cruel World!, I admit that I have mixed feelings about parenting advice, which is ironic given that my book is full of it. That's because advice inadvertently implies that there is one "right" way to parent, that every parent-child interaction should be optimized, and that parenting mistakes are to be avoided.

Yet there are many wonderful ways to parent, and there are countless constructive ways to engage with kids on any particular topic or in any particular situation. There is plenty of wiggle room. And that's important, because no two kids are the same, no two parents are the same, and no two families are the same.

So if you don't have the time, money, or energy to arrange enrichment activities every weekend or oversee every homework assignment, that doesn't mean you're failing your children.

Indeed, the research suggests that doing less can sometimes be better for them.

Sometimes stepping back is the best thing we can do

When I ask myself what my number one job is as a parent, I settle on the idea that my job is to help my kids become independent and well-adjusted adults. I want them to grow into human beings who can take care of themselves, as well as others, and who can manage all kinds of situations—including ones they've never come across before.

Ironically, though, many common parenting trends and instincts work against this goal.

We often step in and do things for our kids to ensure that they succeed. We take over their science projects, pay them for good grades, hire private baseball coaches, and put them in intensive acting classes. We do it because we love them and we worry about their future. But this kind of overprotection and pressure can backfire.

Research has linked overinvolved parenting with poorer self-regulation and other difficulties in kids. In contrast, parenting that supports children's autonomy has been associated with better emotional health, academic outcomes, and self-regulation.

It makes sense, when you think about it. Getting dressed, packing a lunch, and cleaning a bedroom may seem like chores we need to hurry our kids through. But these activities help them develop motor skills, confidence, independence, and the ability to solve problems.

Of course, it's not always practical to let your five-year-old spend fifteen minutes trying to zip up a jacket when you're already late for work. But when we do have the opportunity to step back, we should consider taking it.

Our children need opportunities to practice dealing with frustration and disappointment. What makes you better at hard things? Practice.

And here's an added bonus: When our kids become more capable and independent, there's less that we have to do for them.

Your needs matter, too

A lot of parents—mothers, especially—have internalized the idea that choices that make our own lives easier must somehow be bad for our children.

I've come to think of this as the fallacy of maternal self-sacrifice: the notion that being a good mother means constantly putting our children's needs ahead of our own, and that prioritizing ourselves comes at our children's expense.

But this simply isn't true.

Childcare, for instance, doesn't just make it possible for parents to work. It also gives children opportunities to make friends, learn social skills, develop independence, and experience new perspectives. And when parents get breaks, they may be more patient and emotionally available when they're with their kids.

It’s also worth noting that the skills, knowledge, and perspectives we develop at work can make us better parents.

None of this negates the very real challenges working parents face, including inflexible workplaces, inadequate childcare, and unequal divisions of household labor. Those are structural problems that deserve structural solutions.

But we can also challenge the idea that being a committed parent means giving up everything else that matters to us. Our children benefit from having parents who are fulfilled, supported, and able to care for themselves.

You don't have to be a perfect parent

One thing that's become increasingly clear from the science is that when we put too much pressure on ourselves, we—and our kids—can suffer. One study suggested that the guilt parents feel about letting their kids have screen time is actually worse for the parent-child relationship than screen time itself. 

If we believe that every interaction with our kids has to be just so, we are more likely to feel inadequate, burned-out, and exhausted. We are then less likely to make thoughtful parenting decisions. We may also increase the chance that our kids will veer toward perfectionism and feelings of inadequacy themselves.

Also our mistakes also give us opportunities to model how to handle difficult situations.

One day, while driving my kids to day camp, I asked them whether they thought it was useful when they saw me mess up.

My eleven-year-old practically yelled in response: YES! Oh yes, Mom, it's so helpful. He said it was powerful to know that everyone, including grown-ups, makes mistakes.

My seven-year-old daughter added that when I apologize after making a mistake—such as if I yell at her when I probably shouldn't have—it makes her feel much better.

When we mess up, we show our kids that making mistakes is part of being human. And when we acknowledge those mistakes, take responsibility for them, and try to do better, we teach our children something important about relationships and resilience.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that we should aim to be inattentive, impatient, or unavailable. Our kids need our love, support, and guidance. But they don't need every interaction to be perfect. And they certainly don't need us to be constantly beating ourselves up over everything we wish we'd done differently.

Give yourself some grace

If there's one thing I hope parents take away from my research, it's that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to raising terrific kids.

What helps one child may not help another. Research can only give us averages—information about what helps or hinders groups of kids, and often there's lots of variation within them.

So take the advice that feels like it will be a good fit and leave the rest. If you try something and it doesn't work, it's not a sign that you've done something wrong or that there's something wrong with your kid. It just means that your child is not average—and that probably comes as no surprise.

We can't control everything our children experience, and we shouldn't try to. Our job isn't to clear every obstacle from their paths or ensure that they never feel frustrated, bored, or disappointed. It's to help them develop the skills they'll need to navigate the world on their own.

And perhaps the most reassuring part of all of this is that doing a good job as a parent doesn't necessarily require doing more. Sometimes, the best thing we can do for our children—and ourselves—is to do a little less.