Deal with Negativity

More info on this topic

Thoughts and Emotions Home

close up of woman's faceIncreasing your positivity doesn’t mean becoming unreasonably naïve or optimistic in the face of suffering. It’s just as important to recognize that pain is simply a natural wave in the flow of life. In fact, experiencing and processing negative emotions in a healthy way can be an important part of personal growth.

People tend to make two mistakes when confronted with a negative emotion: they either ruminate and obsess over the problem, or they try to numb their emotions.

Why ruminating and numbing don't work

  • Rumination is deceptive because it feels productive to “think things through,” but gratuitously obsessing over a situation that caused pain only reinforces the strength of the negative thoughts and emotions.
     
  • Numbing the emotions does not work either, according to researcher Brené Brown, because it’s not possible to selectively numb an emotion—in other words, if you try to blot out your anger, you’ll blot out happiness and serenity along with it. Similarly, avoidance of an experience does not allow us to find other ways to deal with it: if we deal with sadness by using alcohol to numb ourselves, we don’t learn how to cope with sadness (and we potentially develop another problem with overuse of alcohol).
Sad boy

Strategies for coping with painful emotions

You can’t expect life to be 100% obstacle free simply because you are cultivating positivity. Indeed sadness, remorse, frustration, and stress are often natural (and healthy!) responses to the ordinary losses and struggles of human life.

Learn what you can do when you find yourself struggling.

Read more

Strategies for coping with painful emotions

Difficult emotions are part of life.  

Rather than getting caught up in the suffering (“I can’t stop going over what I did wrong”) or trying to mask the feelings (“I just try to push it out of my mind”), a responsible and productive way to deal with negative emotions is to accept them as a natural human response to pain.

When you find yourself struggling with a painful emotion, try one of these strategies:

  • Drop the thoughts you are telling yourself about the situation and turn your awareness toward your body. What does this emotion feel like in your forehead, chest, gut, or legs? You don’t have to change any of the sensations; simply notice the energy of the emotion in your body. If you find yourself getting caught up in a sensation (“I don’t like the way this feels!”), take a few deep breaths before turning your attention, in a nonjudgmental way, back to the body. Try to maintain a feeling of gentleness and kindness toward yourself.
     
  • Write out your feelings in a journal or notebook. Expressive writing has been scientifically shown to benefit trauma survivors, helping them to make sense of and accept their experiences. Putting emotions on the page can also trigger insight or a path of analysis that may not have manifested internally.
     
  • Share your experience with a trusted friend. If writing doesn’t appeal to you, talking through your feelings with someone else can provide another opportunity to express yourself honestly and openly. The buffer of social support also increases feelings of confidence and trust, which help offset negativity.
     
  • Think about the suffering of others. Painful emotions like fear, grief, or anger all have a claustrophobic effect—they can make you feel as if your suffering is unique to you. This feeling of alienation only intensifies the pain. But by contemplating the fact that whatever it is you’re feeling right now has been felt by millions of others at some point in their lives, you give yourself a break from the isolation of your own experience. Reflecting upon shared suffering also boosts your compassion, which has been proven to produce greater positivity and more meaningful connections with others.

Note: None of these strategies is designed to make the painful emotion disappear. These are simply tips for dealing with negativity in a productive way.

Healthy Coping Skills

Instead of numbing emotions or obsessing over them, experts recommend that you recognize the inevitability of encountering some suffering and then move beyond it. This process may include:

  • Staying present with the negative feelings and practice watching them with a gentle, nonjudgmental attitude. Recognize when they are triggered by thoughts, and assess whether your emotions are responding to what you are thinking or what is actually happening.
  • Recognizing that pain is often a catalyst for growth and resilience.
  • Using a creative activity, such as journaling or drawing, to express emotions.
  • Practicing forgiveness for those who have caused pain.
  • Identifying unhealthy or ruminative thought patterns and gently letting them go.
Reviewed by: Kate Hathaway, PhD

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly. New York: Gotham Books.