Kindness Costs Nothing: An Exploration of Kindness

04/2026
Author(s)
Stephanie (Stevi) Shively, PhD
Daffodils landscape

There is a frequently quoted mantra that I appreciate that says “In a world where you can be anything, be kind.” When I mentioned to my partner that I was preparing to write an article about kindness he made a comment that stuck with me. He said he thought it was a good idea, in part because “kindness costs nothing.” His words really echoed in my head, especially since we are living through a moment when the cost of living has been increasing and many are discussing affordability and struggling to make ends meet. In fact, in light of recent events in Minnesota and around the world, one might suggest that it’s a relief that kindness is free because we could really use as much of it as we can get these days, especially since kindness can contribute to both individual and collective wellbeing. 

In psychology circles kindness is referred to as a pro-social behavior, meaning that it is a voluntary action or behavior that helps or benefits another person or group of persons. Other prosocial behaviors include sharing, cooperation, helping, collaborating, etc. Prosocial behaviors are generally thought to support the overall wellbeing of groups by benefiting and strengthening interpersonal connections. They are also influenced by internal emotional drivers known as prosocial emotions, which include feelings such as empathy, compassion, guilt, sympathy, and gratitude. Much has been written about the beneficial effects that positive prosocial emotions like gratitude can have on individual wellbeing (including this article on Taking Charge), including pushing back on the brain’s negativity bias, broadening perspective, and cultivating hope.   

The struggle comes, however, from the fact that, while a seemingly simple concept, kindness can also be a bit complex and tricky, especially when complicated by cultural traditions and norms. As a transplant to Minnesota, for instance, I was not here long before my Minnesotan cousin pulled me aside to explain the concept of “Minnesota Nice.” Since I had been raised in the South and was intimately familiar with the phrase “Bless your heart,” I thought I understood the concept well enough to get along fine. Thirteen years later, however, I must admit that I still find myself struggling occasionally, (I am told that I still misuse the term “interesting”). And that is because in Minnesota, (though not only here) there seems to be a largely agreed-upon difference between the concepts of “nice” and “kind.”

So what is kindness and what makes it unique? 

The other day one of my colleagues shared an infographic from social media in our group chat that illustrated the difference between what it means to be ‘nice’ and what it means to be ‘kind.’ The graphic included activities and behaviors commonly associated with each word. “Nice” was described as consisting primarily of behaviors concerned with managing other people’s perceptions and opinions of us - things like flattering people, telling them what we think they want to hear, avoiding conflicts at all costs, and making big promises. “Kind,” on the other hand, was described as a set of behaviors that centered around authentic concern and empathy for others’ needs and desires, honesty about motivation, and acting from a place of choice rather than obligation. This included actions such as being honest, standing up for people, truly listening, noticing and remembering important details, respecting boundaries and communicating our own, and offering and providing support that is within our capacity to give. It was a simple and clear presentation of a topic I discuss frequently with my clients in therapy. 

As a mental health counselor I love exploring concepts like these with people, as it gives us a wonderful opportunity to define what “healthy kindness” can look like and how to practice it. Over the years, I have found the general consensus to be that kindness is connected to intrinsic factors such as empathy, compassion, honesty, and choice, rather than external factors like meeting other people’s expectations, and managing their perceptions and opinions. In other words, kindness has to do with showing up as ourselves for the people that we care about in a way that prioritizes compassion and empathy. It requires us to connect mindfully with ourselves, with our communities, and with our sense of purpose. In short, practicing kindness strengthens wellbeing, which means that it is not only free, but it also pays dividends!

Additional ways to engage with kindness through the Bakken Center: