COVID-19 and Anxiety
Coping with change and loss
Here in Minnesota, we have had months of “social isolation” and coming to grips with the reality of a pandemic. Our lives have changed, and we are experiencing the loss of so much that we took for granted before. As we talk to others (virtually, of course), we are beginning to realize the impact these losses are having on us individually and as a community. We are grieving and unsure what to do.
We have found it helpful to articulate some of these losses in two key areas so we can start to acknowledge them and see what we can do. You may recognize some, and you may have your own.
Loss of social contact
Apart from the people we live with, most of us now have limited face to face contact with other people. But we have Zoom, we have FaceTime—what exactly are we missing when we can’t be physically close to others?
Missing deeper connections
To begin, we are likely grieving deeper connection with friends and loved ones. This is not just because we are missing physical affection and touch—the hugs or holding hands, or even pats on the back, all of which can produce oxytocin—the feel-good and connecting hormone. It is also because we are losing valuable aspects of how we communicate. Our virtual communication's limitations make it difficult for us to be authentic and vulnerable, which is key to true connection.
Limitations of virtual communication
Loss of natural rhythm
Even a good virtual video connection often has abrupt shifts between speakers and unnatural pauses—a loss of the natural dance we do when speaking with others.
We have to work harder to communicate and as a result we lose the ease of exchange that creates intimacy.
Missing body cues
In video calls and online meetings, we miss some of the body language, which is an important part of how we communicate. We generally just see heads and shoulders, so we miss cues like hand gestures, or subtle shifts in position.
And of course, we no longer have physical distance as an important clue—the way someone leans in to tell a confidence for example.
Distorted signals
Video calls can distort some of our body language. When talking, we look into each other’s eyes to signal interest, but on video, we actually have to look at the camera to appear to look into someone’s eyes. When we do this, we can’t actually see the other’s face—another disconnect.
Leaning back on video can seem distancing, whereas in person we might see it as the other person relaxing in our presence.
Missing participation in community
We are also lacking connection with our larger community and the myriad of daily little exchanges—with coworkers, the server in the coffee shop or diner, the other parents at school, our fellow fans at a sporting event—little interactions we probably might not even notice, but which flavor our day and create a sense of connection. Our days now pass without these enlivening moments.
Think also about going to a concert or play or movie, where we are all in community sharing the beauty and emotion. Or attending a sports event and living the ups and downs of a game with our fellow fans. Not to mention the more obvious fun of playing a game or sport with others. (Yes, there are some virtual opportunities, but it is not the same as high-fiving or slapping someone on the back or hugging in joy.) That is gone too.
Loss of a sense of safety
Our world has changed and with it our assumptions about our health and safety. Those in our communities who have fewer resources, or other challenges, may have already experienced these losses in the past, but now feel an even greater threat. We list some of these here, so you can recognize them and acknowledge the difficulties you are facing and be gentle with yourself. You are not alone in dealing with these losses.
- Our assumption of health has changed. Some of us may have already experienced this with a diagnosis such as cancer, but many of us live with the unexamined expectation of continued health. A virus that spreads easily and can kill even healthy young people attacks this assumption, creating a form of anticipatory grief that there is something bad out there, but we don’t know how it will manifest or when.
- Our sense of a social safety net is eroding. Where we once may have felt sure that if we got sick, there would be resources to care for us, we now worry that there will not be a bed or respirator or even a nurse for us.
- Our financial security is threatened. Many of us have lost our jobs or fear we will. College and high school students worry that they won’t find jobs after they graduate and that they are entering a work world with fewer choices. Older adults near or in retirement worry about the loss of their savings.
- Even our ability to find common spaces where we can relax is limited. Places where we formerly felt safe--where we could put down our guard—are no longer so. As we walk in a park or neighborhood where we used to feel relaxed, we are now on guard for people passing closer than 6 feet. Each person who approaches is a threat.
- Our sense of control is gone. We don’t know what will happen. We can’t plan a vacation, or conduct a job search, or look for a new apartment or house.
Devastating losses
And then there are the devastating losses among us. Daily stories in the news tell the human toll. We can’t help our families and friends far away. We say goodbye to fragile loved ones in assisted living or nursing homes and don’t know if we will see them again. People we love die. We can’t hold memorials to honor and mourn for those we love. Alternatively, we are the ones with cancer or heart disease or other major illness who must now deal with isolation and fear on top of our other stresses and challenges.
Coping with loss
It is important to acknowledge that we are experiencing loss—individually and collectively. This grief is personal and pervasive: it sometimes feels all encompassing. So we need strategies to help us. Here are a few suggestions—we hope you find some that resonate with you.
Notice positive moments
HEAL is another practice that helps bring us into the present moment. According to psychologist Rick Hanson, this practice changes our fearful or negative perspective to one that is broader and more positive.
We begin by Having a positive moment and then pausing to savor it—taking 20 or 30 seconds to take in details and Enhance the experience. As we Absorb and appreciate the moment, we see how even in the midst of loss or grief, there is kindness, beauty, joy. We Link this positive moment to the rest for a more balanced view.
Find meaning
We can find a way to connect and contribute in these times. We can reach out to those we love through technology, even with its limits. We can be kind and patient with our families. We can find ways that we can help using our own talents and resources—that might be picking up groceries for a neighbor or giving blood, or simply doing our job as well as we can. We can go outside and connect with nature.
We can consider how we can live going forth, as we are doing right now, with less consumption, so we can contribute to planetary health.
Moving forward
Yes, we are grieving, individually and as a community. But we can acknowledge our losses as a first step. Allow our emotions. And then find ways to heal, connecting to the present moment, to each other, to nature, and to purpose.
University of Pennsylvania. A simple exercise to help stay calm in the face of coronavirus uncertainty. March 16, 2020. Retrieved from https://medicalxpress.com/
